The Man's guide to Female English!!! HILARIOUS BUT TRUE

We need= I must

It's your decision= The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want= You'll pay for this later

We need to talk= I need to complain

Sure....Go ahead= I don't want you to

I'm not upset= Of course I'm upset, you Moron!

You're so manly= You need a shave and you sweat a lot

This kitchen is very inconvenient= I want a new house

I want new curtains= And carpentry, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes= The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there= No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise= I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me?= I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?= I did something that you're not going to like

I'll be ready a minute= Kick off your shoes, and find a good game on TV

Am I looking fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate= Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!?= [Too late, you're dead]

Yes= No

No= No

Maybe= No

I'm sorry= You'll be sorrry

Do you like this recipe= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't u get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling= Yes I'm yelling because I think it is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The answer to female saying "What's wrong?"...

The same old thing= Nothing
Nothing= Everything
Everything= My PMS is acting up
Nothing Really= It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it= Go away; I'm still building my steam.

NEVER TRY TO OUTSMART A WOMAN

WOMEN ARE SMARTER THAN MEN

Due to inherit a fortune upon the death of his sickly, widower father
Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a
Singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Im just an ordinary man" he said walking up to her ;" but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman
went home with Charles and the next day she became his stepmother!!

WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, Check or Charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she stumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a telivision set in
her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied,
"but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most
legal evil thing I could do to him."

Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not speaking a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a farm of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relative of yours."
"Yep," the wife replied ,"in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.....
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asksed, "What?"

STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be stupid and so
beautiful all at the same time". The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so that you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so that I would be attracted to you!"

THE BEAST

Husband and wife in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his
temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife, "you will bring out the animal
in me." "So what?," his wife shot back, "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

WIFE'S PROMISE

There was a man who worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was
a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his
wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife promise him with all her heart than when he died, she
wouldput all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched
out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting
next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertaker, got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" she had a box
with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were'nt fool enough to put all that money
in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, Im a christian, I can't
go back on my word. I promise him that I was going to put that money in the casket
with him!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it in to my account and
wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

NARAYANAMOOTHY'S VIEWS ON "STAYING LATE IN THE OFFICE"

It's half past 8 in the office but the lights are on....
PCs still running, Coffee machines still buzzing....
And Who's at Work?
Most of them?? Take a closer look....

All or Most specimens are 20 something male species of the human race....
Look closer....Again all or most of them are bachelors....
And why are they sitting late? Working Hard? No Way!!!

Let's ask on of them....

Here's what he says...."What's there to do after going home....
Here we get to surf, AC, Phone, Food, Coffee....That is why Im working late....
Importantly No Bossssss!!!!

This is the scene in most research centres and software companies and other
Off-shore offices.
Bachelors "Time-Passing" during late hours in the office just because they
say they've nothing else to do....

Now what are the consequences....Read on

"Working"(For record only) late hours soon becomes part of the
institute or company culture. With bosses more than eager to provide
support to those "working" late in the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and
of course good feedback (Oh, He's a hard worker....goes home only to change...!!!)

They are'nt helping things too...
To hell with bosses who don't understand the difference between "Sitting" late and "Working"

late!!

Very Soon, the boss start expecting all employees to put in extra working hours..

So, my dear bachelors let me tell you, life changes when you get married and start
having a family...Office is no longer a priority, family is...and that's when the
problem starts...because you start having commitments at home too...

For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy suddenly seems to become an "early leaver"
even if you leave an hour after regular time....after doing the same amount of work.

People leaving on time after doing their tasks for the day are labeled as Work-Shirkers...
Girls who thankfully always (Its changing nowadays.....though) leave on time are labeled
as "not up to it". All the while the bachelors put their own backs and carry on "working"
not realizing that they are spoiling the work culture at their own place and never
realize that they would have to regret at one point of time.

* So what's the moral of the story??? *
* Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME!!!
* Never put in extra time "*UNLESS REALLY NEEDED*"
* Don't stay back unnecessarily and spoil your company work culture, which in turn
cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues.

There are hundred other things to do in the evening

LEARN MUSIC....
LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.....
TRY A SPORT...TT, CRICKET....
IMPORTANTLY GET A GIRL FRIEND OR GAL FRIEND, TAKE HIM OR HER AROUND TOWN....
AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE NET CAFE RATES HAVE DROPPED TO AN ALL-TIME LOW
(PLUS NO FIREWALLS) AND TRY COOKING FOR A CHANGE.
TAKE A TIP FROM THE SMIRNOFF AD *"LIFE'S CALLING WHERE ARE YOU??"*

PLEASE PASS ON THIS MESSAGE TO ALL THOSE COLLEAGUES AND PLEASE DO IT BEFORE
LEAVING TIME, DON'T SIT BACK TILL MIDNIGHT TO FORWARD THIS.