1, What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
2, The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'
3, What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
4, When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
5, A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."
6, The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
7,Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
CONTRADICTING QUOTES
1, Actions speak louder than words./The pen is mightier than the sword.
2, Look before you leap./ He who hesitates is lost.
3, Many hands make light work. (or) Two heads are better than one. / Too many cooks spoil the broth.
4, A silent man is a wise one. / A man without words is a man without thoughts..
5, Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. / Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
6, Clothes make the man. / Don't judge a book by its cover. (or) All that glitters is not gold.
7, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. / Better safe than sorry.
8, The bigger, the better. / The best things come in small packages.
9, Absence makes the heart grow fonder. / Out of sight, out of mind.
10, What will be, will be. / Life is what you make it.
11, Cross your bridges when you come to them. / Forewarned is forearmed.
12, What's good for the goose is good for the gander. / One man's meat is another man's poison.
13, With age comes wisdom. / Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.
14, The more, the merrier./ Two's company; three's a crowd.
15, The best things in life are free. / You get what you pay for.
16, It never rains, than it pours. / Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
17, Better to ask the way than to go astray. / Ask no questions and hear no lies.
18, Never do evil, that good may come of it. / The end justifies the means.
19, Variety is the spice of life. / Don't change horses in the middle of a stream.
20, There is nothing permanent except change. / There is nothing new under the sun.
21, Never too old to learn. / You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
22, Everything comes to him who waits. / He who hesitates is lost
2, Look before you leap./ He who hesitates is lost.
3, Many hands make light work. (or) Two heads are better than one. / Too many cooks spoil the broth.
4, A silent man is a wise one. / A man without words is a man without thoughts..
5, Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. / Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
6, Clothes make the man. / Don't judge a book by its cover. (or) All that glitters is not gold.
7, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. / Better safe than sorry.
8, The bigger, the better. / The best things come in small packages.
9, Absence makes the heart grow fonder. / Out of sight, out of mind.
10, What will be, will be. / Life is what you make it.
11, Cross your bridges when you come to them. / Forewarned is forearmed.
12, What's good for the goose is good for the gander. / One man's meat is another man's poison.
13, With age comes wisdom. / Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.
14, The more, the merrier./ Two's company; three's a crowd.
15, The best things in life are free. / You get what you pay for.
16, It never rains, than it pours. / Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
17, Better to ask the way than to go astray. / Ask no questions and hear no lies.
18, Never do evil, that good may come of it. / The end justifies the means.
19, Variety is the spice of life. / Don't change horses in the middle of a stream.
20, There is nothing permanent except change. / There is nothing new under the sun.
21, Never too old to learn. / You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
22, Everything comes to him who waits. / He who hesitates is lost
COMPLEX ENGLISH
English can be so complex to understand sometimes
Read the paragraph below ....and try to understand the meaning.
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended,sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
What do u think in simple English it translates to?
Jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and jill came tumbling after!!!
Read the paragraph below ....and try to understand the meaning.
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended,sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
What do u think in simple English it translates to?
Jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and jill came tumbling after!!!
BEWARE OF KIDS
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl: replied, “Then you ask him”.
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher: paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, She’s dead. ”
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl: replied, “Then you ask him”.
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher: paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, She’s dead. ”
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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