A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! You weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an "F" in sex."
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Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Car Names And Their Meanings
BMW: Brings Me Women..
FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object..
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.
KIA: Kills In Accidents
OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.
GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.
FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object..
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.
KIA: Kills In Accidents
OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.
GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
E-mail from Heaven
A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow !!
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow !!
Monday, August 06, 2007
FIRST KISS
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how manycondoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how manycondoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
APPRECIATION FOR KINDNESS
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension..
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I
have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with
a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96,
which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to
God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must
have been those bastards at the Post Office..
The end...
Dats Y I say... Life is a Bitch... But live it...... Dont stop doing Guuuuuud!
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension..
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I
have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with
a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96,
which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to
God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must
have been those bastards at the Post Office..
The end...
Dats Y I say... Life is a Bitch... But live it...... Dont stop doing Guuuuuud!
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
It was the day after India's Independence Day. A thoughtful Tony Blair who
had watched the celebrations on TV got onto the phone with his friend Bush:
"India!" shouted Blair.
"What about India?" asked a startled Bush.
"We English made a mistake George," said Blair, "I need to get India back as
a colony!"
"You serious Tony?" asked a still more startled Bush.
"Yeah this is not the India we let go some sixty years ago," said Blair,
"this is a colony we would be proud to have now."
"So whatcha plannin' to do?" asked Bush.
"Why George what we did to Saddam. Attack them."
"You sayin' we? You not hoping I'm goin' to join you are you?"
"I helped you in Iraq George, you forgettin' or sometin'?"
"Yeah but we had an excuse there Tony, we were lookin' for weapons of mass
destruction, you remember?"
"So we do the same thing here George. We tell the Indians to give up their
weapons of mass destruction! "
"I don't know whether we are doing the right thing Tony, India's a democracy
you know?"
"I lied for you in Iraq George. Nearly lost the elections for you. I'm sure
you could do this lil' favour for me. With India back as my colony, we'll be
back as a world power! Britain rules the world! You heard that phrase
George?"
"I thought it was America who was doin' the rulin' Tony."
"We'll do the rulin' together George. You and me will be equal partners once
I get my India back. Come on George talk to that Manmohan feller, tell him
to give up his weapons of mass destruction, or else..!"
"Okay Tony since you insist. Can you call me back in five minutes."
"Shall I get my ships ready?"
"For what?" asked a surprised Bush.
"For war dammit," shouted Tony as he put the phone down and waited for Bush
to talk to the Indian Prime Minister. He walked over to a little globe he
had on his office table and circled India gleefully.
The phone rang and he ran to pick it up. "Tony it's me," said George, "how
many ships you got ready?"
"Aye aye sir, the Royal Navy is ready for action!"said Tony, standing at
attention.
"You can send them to India," said Bush.
"To fight?" asked Blair happily."
"No to pick up their weapons of mass destruction. "
"Whatcha talkin' about?" asked a confused Blair.
"Manmohan said you would know 'cause it's your people who made them," said
Bush.
"What weapons of mass destruction? " whispered Blair uncertainly.
"Their politicians, their MP's, their MLA's," said Bush happily, "Manmohan
said you could take them all back to England where they were trained years
ago by your people to divide and rule..!"
had watched the celebrations on TV got onto the phone with his friend Bush:
"India!" shouted Blair.
"What about India?" asked a startled Bush.
"We English made a mistake George," said Blair, "I need to get India back as
a colony!"
"You serious Tony?" asked a still more startled Bush.
"Yeah this is not the India we let go some sixty years ago," said Blair,
"this is a colony we would be proud to have now."
"So whatcha plannin' to do?" asked Bush.
"Why George what we did to Saddam. Attack them."
"You sayin' we? You not hoping I'm goin' to join you are you?"
"I helped you in Iraq George, you forgettin' or sometin'?"
"Yeah but we had an excuse there Tony, we were lookin' for weapons of mass
destruction, you remember?"
"So we do the same thing here George. We tell the Indians to give up their
weapons of mass destruction! "
"I don't know whether we are doing the right thing Tony, India's a democracy
you know?"
"I lied for you in Iraq George. Nearly lost the elections for you. I'm sure
you could do this lil' favour for me. With India back as my colony, we'll be
back as a world power! Britain rules the world! You heard that phrase
George?"
"I thought it was America who was doin' the rulin' Tony."
"We'll do the rulin' together George. You and me will be equal partners once
I get my India back. Come on George talk to that Manmohan feller, tell him
to give up his weapons of mass destruction, or else..!"
"Okay Tony since you insist. Can you call me back in five minutes."
"Shall I get my ships ready?"
"For what?" asked a surprised Bush.
"For war dammit," shouted Tony as he put the phone down and waited for Bush
to talk to the Indian Prime Minister. He walked over to a little globe he
had on his office table and circled India gleefully.
The phone rang and he ran to pick it up. "Tony it's me," said George, "how
many ships you got ready?"
"Aye aye sir, the Royal Navy is ready for action!"said Tony, standing at
attention.
"You can send them to India," said Bush.
"To fight?" asked Blair happily."
"No to pick up their weapons of mass destruction. "
"Whatcha talkin' about?" asked a confused Blair.
"Manmohan said you would know 'cause it's your people who made them," said
Bush.
"What weapons of mass destruction? " whispered Blair uncertainly.
"Their politicians, their MP's, their MLA's," said Bush happily, "Manmohan
said you could take them all back to England where they were trained years
ago by your people to divide and rule..!"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
JOB DESCRIPTION
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be
another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be
another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
THE REASON WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and would probably have a present
for me..
She didn't even say "Good Morning", Let alone any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember". The children came in to breakfast and
didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday".
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and
said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said "By George that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private
place, We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously...
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day We don't need to go back to the office,
do we???"
I said, "No, I guess not" . She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable..."
Sure, "I excitedly replied". She went into the bedroom and, In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends...
All were singing " Happy Birthday"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And there on the couch I sat... Naked.....
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and would probably have a present
for me..
She didn't even say "Good Morning", Let alone any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember". The children came in to breakfast and
didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday".
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and
said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said "By George that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private
place, We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously...
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day We don't need to go back to the office,
do we???"
I said, "No, I guess not" . She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable..."
Sure, "I excitedly replied". She went into the bedroom and, In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends...
All were singing " Happy Birthday"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And there on the couch I sat... Naked.....
Friday, June 08, 2007
A LETTER FROM SARDAR'S MOM
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
LALOO'S JOB @ MICROSOFT
Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft
corporation, USA
A few days later he got this reply :
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a
party and when all the guests had come, he said: "Bhaiyon aur Behno,
aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil
gayee hoon."
Everyone was delighted.
Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment
letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-
saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter
bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Bilva
corporation, USA
A few days later he got this reply :
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a
party and when all the guests had come, he said: "Bhaiyon aur Behno,
aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil
gayee hoon."
Everyone was delighted.
Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment
letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-
saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter
bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Bilva
Saturday, June 02, 2007
TOP 10 STUPID QUESTIONS IN MOST OBVIOUS SITUATIONS
At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter...
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping!!!!!
When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter...
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping!!!!!
When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
HAPPENS ONLY IN INDIA
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of their daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it. When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:
I am sending Ba’s body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba’s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba’s is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love,
Smita Patel.
P.S.: If you need anything else please let me know soon, Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:
I am sending Ba’s body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba’s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba’s is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love,
Smita Patel.
P.S.: If you need anything else please let me know soon, Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.
SOME CARD TEXTS U WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
Friday, June 01, 2007
SARDARJI & BENGALI IN A HOSPITAL
A Sardarji and a Bengali, both suffering from serious diseases, share the same room in a hospital.
They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.
After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient.
He realises that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.
After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says “Bengali”.
Sardarji doesn’t want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation.
Sardarji musters all his energy and says “Punjabi” gesturing the same way as Bengali did.
Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself “Sharath Bose.”
Sardarji after some effort says “Devindar Singh”.
Bengali is even more happier that they now know each other’s names.
After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says “Cancer” - - again doing the same gesture as before.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sardarji smiles and with some effort says “Scorpio.”
They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.
After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient.
He realises that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.
After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says “Bengali”.
Sardarji doesn’t want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation.
Sardarji musters all his energy and says “Punjabi” gesturing the same way as Bengali did.
Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself “Sharath Bose.”
Sardarji after some effort says “Devindar Singh”.
Bengali is even more happier that they now know each other’s names.
After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says “Cancer” - - again doing the same gesture as before.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sardarji smiles and with some effort says “Scorpio.”
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
BLONDE GUY'S LUNCH
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off too.”
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.”
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off too.”
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.”
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A CASE OF KISS AND SLAP
Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.
Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
SANTA BANTA SPECIAL!!
Banta Singh walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So he lowers his voice to a whisper and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
xxx
Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. Doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt when phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron & stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?" "That scoundrel called again."
xxx
2 Days of Powercut in India made life miserable. Worst affected was Amritsar where all the SARDARS were stuck for 48 hrs. on Escalaters...
xxx
Santa told Banta, "I bet that India would win against Pakistan & lost Rs 1,000." Banta exclaimed: "Yaar, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?" Santa replied: "Nahi yaar, I bet Rs 500 on that match." Banta asked:"So, what happened to the other Rs 500?" Santa repied: "Chad yaar, I bet on the highlights too."
xxx
All ATM's in Punjab were jammed & not in working condition. Bcoz, Sardarji's wife kept her hair pin in machine when it asked..."Enter your PIN"
xxx
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran 8 kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kg. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home.
xxx
Sardarji goes to see The Jurassic Park. When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat. His friend asks him,"Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyun lag raha hai? Cinema hi to hai." Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai,pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata."
xxx
Santa noticed a banana peel on the street. He mutters to himself: 'Saddi to kismat hi kharab hai. Aaj phir girna padega!'
xxx
Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. Doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt when phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron & stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?" "That scoundrel called again."
xxx
2 Days of Powercut in India made life miserable. Worst affected was Amritsar where all the SARDARS were stuck for 48 hrs. on Escalaters...
xxx
Santa told Banta, "I bet that India would win against Pakistan & lost Rs 1,000." Banta exclaimed: "Yaar, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?" Santa replied: "Nahi yaar, I bet Rs 500 on that match." Banta asked:"So, what happened to the other Rs 500?" Santa repied: "Chad yaar, I bet on the highlights too."
xxx
All ATM's in Punjab were jammed & not in working condition. Bcoz, Sardarji's wife kept her hair pin in machine when it asked..."Enter your PIN"
xxx
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran 8 kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kg. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home.
xxx
Sardarji goes to see The Jurassic Park. When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat. His friend asks him,"Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyun lag raha hai? Cinema hi to hai." Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai,pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata."
xxx
Santa noticed a banana peel on the street. He mutters to himself: 'Saddi to kismat hi kharab hai. Aaj phir girna padega!'
Sunday, May 20, 2007
WE ARE INDIANS
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali’s = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Indian Cricket Team.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum.
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali’s = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Indian Cricket Team.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum.
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community
Friday, May 18, 2007
IT'S NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English Conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I'm fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" instead of "How are you". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha-ha...." Then Mori replied "Me too, ha-ha."
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English Conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I'm fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" instead of "How are you". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha-ha...." Then Mori replied "Me too, ha-ha."
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